Attention Citizens: Due to the non-diclosure agreement signed at the start of this weekend’s closed beta test for Funcom’s upcoming MMO, The Secret World, we are unable to confirm or deny that fun was had by all. Other, less formal agreements prevent us from confirming or denying the existence of the Templars, or Dragons. Of course, our views on the alleged existence of the group known as the Illuminati have already been made clear.
Last week Microsoft announced that they are releasing a $99 version of their Xbox 360 which requires buyers to commit to pay a $15 per month subscription fee for two years, thus bringing the total amount to $460. Uninformed consumers immediately praised the announcement, prompting Microsoft to expand the program to include a $20 version of the Xbox 360 with a 53-year subscription plan.
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Attention American citizens: With today’s release of the first trailer for the new Call of Duty game, we have confirmation that the robot uprising will occur in 2025, several years ahead of previous estimates. While I emphasize that this game is only a work of fiction, we must not under-estimate the team of precogs employed by Activision. Continue reading
The following Department Briefing has been declassified as per the Freedom of Information Act:
“Agents, as you are undoubtedly aware by now, the Department of Homeland Security hired the data-mining company Obscure Technologies to design and implement measures for tracking activity on home video game consoles. Unfortunately the boys at DHS are over their heads, and they hired the worst possible choice for the job. According to our infiltration team, Obscure Technologies has been indoctrinated by the Reapers. Continue reading
Attention citizens: Due to the non-disclosure agreement signed when entering this weekend’s online beta test for Ghost Recon: Future Soldier, we are unable to confirm or deny that fun was had by all. Please await further updates from this department.
Attention American citizens. By now, the public should be aware of the shocking scandal brought upon the United States government by the actions of the Secret Service who cavorted with prostitutes while awaiting the President’s arrival in Columbia last week. The scandal was discovered when hotel employees discovered a Secret Service agent arguing with one of the prostitutes over her fee. Let me assure you, America, the Department of Electronic Entertainment will never disgrace America in such a way. We hold ourselves to a higher standard, and always pay our prostitutes quickly and generously. Continue reading
Bethesda released an image on their twitter account today, accompanied only by the word “Tomorrow”. Special Agent Battersby of the Department of Electronic Entertainment sat down with Bethesda’s Executive Producer and Game Director, Todd Howard for an exclusive interview about the cryptic message: Continue reading
Attention citizens, we here at the Department of Electronic Entertainment are glad to see that you all enjoyed yourselves with the hands-on play you had with Funcom’s upcoming game The Secret World during the Penny Arcade Expo last week, but please remember that the Illuminati group mentioned in the game is only a fictional organization. You do not need to concern yourselves that the Department of Electronic Entertainment has been infiltrated by Illuminati double agents.
The following Mission Situation Report has been declassified as per the Freedom of Information Act:
“Agents, by now, you should all be aware that on Saturday afternoon, the Department of Electronic Entertainment’s Omega Strike Team was deployed to the Penny Arcade Expo in Boston to deal with what will hereafter be referred to as “The Cosplay Incident”. The publisher of the upcoming game Lollipop Chainsaw had hired the cosplayer Jessica Nigri to dress as the main character of their game, and Ms. Nigri’s revealing outfit drew negative attention from PAX attendees. She was asked to leave the show floor, and the DoEE was asked to assist with crowd control. Continue reading
The following internal memo has been declassified as per the Freedom of Information Act and is now available to the public:
“Agents, please disregard my previous memo regarding “The Only Good Russian”; at the time I had been mislead regarding the current political climate. Having spent the past few weeks in the Department’s isolation tank catching up on the Call of Duty franchise by playing every game in the series, I developed a misunderstanding regarding the nature of that video game franchise. Continue reading
