The primary purpose of the Department of Electronic Entertainment is protecting America’s youth from inappropriate video game content. Unfortunately we occasionally miss the ball and several games made it to retail this year which went on to turn America’s youth into raving sociopaths, rapists and serial killers. The following is a list of some of the more serious failures of the DoEE. Rest assured the agents responsible for letting these game hit store shelves have been dealt with and 2012 will have better precautionary measures:
5: Call of Duty: Modern Wafare 3 – In the days surrounding MW3’s launch there was a global frenzy to acquire the game which resulted in armed men hijacking a shipment of video games to get copies of this game, as reported by a French Playstation site. Although the game contains graphic depictions of violence, in this case its mere existence was enough to turn ordinary citizens into crazed hijackers. No Americans were endangered in these attacks and that puts Modern Warfare 3 at the bottom of our list.
4: Bulletstorm – The dedicated journalistic team at Fox News were quick to see the dangers posed by Epic Games’ Bulletstorm. A full two weeks before the game even launched, Fox News had the prescience to declare that Bulletsorm would be responsible for a wave of rapes and murders. Fortunately our “Cleaner” teams managed to prevent the mainstream media from learning about the Bulletsorm rape gangs in [REDACTED] and the Gamestop shootings in [REDACTED], yet this game still caused widespread loss of life despite our efforts and the assistance of Fox News.
3: Alice Madness Returns – Make no mistake about this, letting your daughter play Alice Madness Returns will drive her insane. Despite the fact that it chronicles the adventures of the beloved children’s character Alice as she journeys through Wonderland, this game is a psychedelic indoctrination program that encourages young girls to engage in acts of violence. While no deaths have been directly linked to the game, DoEE agents were dispatched to [REDACTED] to subdue a knife-wielding girl who went berserk after playing the game briefly at a demo kiosk in a Best Buy. Alice: Madness Returns has a well-earned E-17 Age Rating.
2: Skyrim: Often praised for its open world and limitless possibilities, Skyrim does allow players to create distinct characters and take them on nigh-endless adventures in this fiction world. However, if a character equips an “Amulet of Mara” they will then be constantly pursued by hordes of priapic bisexuals who hound them day and night looking to pursue romantic relationships. This might be tolerable were it not for the inclusion of randy lizard people who inexplicably desire to mate with mammals. Parents are strongly warned to keep this game away from young children. If any teens should be allowed to play it, parents should remove all pet reptiles from the house.
1:Dead Space 2 – To be fair, Electronic Arts gave consumers a strong warning about Dead Space 2. They clearly stated that “Your mom will hate this game”, and ran an ad campaign based on the dire predictions that the game would drive people crazy. Nonetheless, millions of people purchased it anyway, and we all know about the mass murders that swept the nation in January of 2011. The resulting death tolls have not yet been calculated due to the forensics team’s difficulties in reassembling all of the bodies, but Dead Space 2 is among the most dangerous games the Department of Electronic Entertainment has ever come across.