The following Security Advisory has been released by Department Head Jackson.
“While much of the country is justifiably in a panic over the recent confirmation that Grand Theft Auto V exists, the DoEE feels that all law enforcement agency’s must remain focused on the immediate threat posed by a lesser-known, but equally dangerous game called Saints Row: The Third, published by THQ, and developed by Volition.
Sharing many features with the Grand Theft Auto series, Saints Row is a murder simulator franchise and a virtual prostitution training program. Parents must be warned that despite the use of the word “Saint” in the title, this game does not promote healthy Christian values, and is not recommended for children under the age of 17.
Early promotional materials for this third installment in the series indicated that the game’s plot might involve flying space prostitutes, and while that has been clarified in recent months, this Department feels that America’s children should still be specifically taught that prostitutes cannot fly and should not be pushed out of airplanes for entertainment purposes. Even virtual prostitutes.
The actual plot involves the brave police officers of Stillwater finally bringing the 3rd Street Saints gang to justice. However this triumph of law & order is short-lived as the Player immediately departs for the fictional town of Steelport where the Saints gang is rebuilt once again to plague innocent civilians. Although the DoEE would prefer that players simply stop playing the game after the opening sequence, we feel it is necessary to summarize the remaining 99% of the game for concerned parents.
The remainder of Saints Row: The Third consists of the Player engaging in “Sandbox gameplay”, a form of computer-generated lawlessness in which children are trained to engage in free-roaming crime sprees that include disobeying traffic regulations, the use of unlicensed fire arms, and sexual assault with a giant purple dildo. Parental guidance is strongly suggested as improper use of over-sized rubber penises can result in injury, or even blindness.
Players will be able to heavily customize their character, and persons interested in the character creation system can do so before the game is available using the “Initiation Station” available on the Saints Row website. Characters built with this app can be imported into the game.
Cooperative multiplayer is a feature, as in Saints Row 2, and this will provide an excellent opportunity for parents to supervise younger children’s gameplay. Much wholesome family entertainment can be had with the game if a responsible parent is on hand to ensure that minors play free-roaming sequences by obeying all laws and exploring Steelport as a form of virtual morality training.
Parents are strongly advised to consider an alternative game for their children. Also releasing the same week as Saints Row The Third are Disneyland Adventures, Disney Princess: Enchanting Storybooks, My Little Pony Math Adventures, and Hello Kitty Tricycle Rally 3D. Each of which is suitable for all ages.
Saints Row The Third becomes available for Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and PC on November 15th 2011. The DoEE will have strike teams deployed in all major cities in the event of civil unrest.”