Attention American citizens. By now, the public should be aware of the shocking scandal brought upon the United States government by the actions of the Secret Service who cavorted with prostitutes while awaiting the President’s arrival in Columbia last week. The scandal was discovered when hotel employees discovered a Secret Service agent arguing with one of the prostitutes over her fee. Let me assure you, America, the Department of Electronic Entertainment will never disgrace America in such a way. We hold ourselves to a higher standard, and always pay our prostitutes quickly and generously.
The DoEE selects only the finest video game enthusiasts for our ranks. Our rigorous training program includes anti-cyberterrorism tactics, infiltration techniques, [REDACTED] and countless hours of practice with virtual prostitutes in sex simulators like Grand Theft Auto, Saints Row, and Duke Nukem.
You have my vow as Chief of this Department that no hotel employee in South America, South East Asia, or Nevada has, or ever will, discover a DoEE agent attempting to withhold payment for sexual services rendered, whether it be conventional intercourse, sexual domination, [REDACTED], [REDACTED], or [REDACTED] with a [REDACTED].
You also have my word that your tax dollars have never been allocated specifically for these services.