Author Archives: Special Agent Battersby

About Special Agent Battersby

Special Agent Battersby is a decorated veteran of the DoEE, having served the country with distinction during the Covenant invasion, the Raccoon City outbreak, and the Rikti assault on Paragon City.

We Cannot Confirm Or Deny The Zombie Virus

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Earlier this week, the Centers for Disease Control officially denied rumors that the recent rise in cannibalistic assaults in America is due to a zombie virus.  In an e-mail to the Huffington Post, agency spokesman David Daigle wrote ”CDC does not know … Continue reading

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New Video Game Is Not An al-Qaeda Propaganda Plot

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This week Paradox Interactive released a trailer for the new expansion pack to their historical strategy game Crusader Kings II.  The game previously allowed players to wage war against the Muslim world by re-enacting the Crusades, but the newly-announced Sword … Continue reading

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It Is Your Patriotic Duty To Buy This Game

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Previously the Department of Electronic Entertainment reported on the economic value of buying the game Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning, but it seems that our warnings went unheeded!  Because America failed to abide by this department’s fiscal guidelines, the state of … Continue reading

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The Robot Uprising Will Occur Sooner Than Expected

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Attention American citizens:  With today’s release of the first trailer for the new Call of Duty game, we have confirmation that the robot uprising will occur in 2025, several years ahead of previous estimates.  While I emphasize that this game … Continue reading

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Obscure Technologies Shows Signs of Reaper Indoctrination

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The following Department Briefing has been declassified as per the Freedom of Information Act: “Agents, as you are undoubtedly aware by now, the Department of Homeland Security hired the data-mining company Obscure Technologies to design and implement measures for tracking … Continue reading

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This Department Is Unable To Comment On The Ghost Recon Beta At This Time

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Attention citizens:  Due to the non-disclosure agreement signed when entering this weekend’s online beta test for Ghost Recon: Future Soldier, we are unable to confirm or deny that fun was had by all.  Please await further updates from this department.

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Exclusive Interview With Bethesda’s Todd Howard

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Bethesda released an image on their twitter account today, accompanied only by the word “Tomorrow”.  Special Agent Battersby of the Department  of Electronic Entertainment sat down with Bethesda’s Executive Producer and Game Director, Todd Howard for an exclusive interview about the cryptic message:

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Apparently We Are Not At War With Russia

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The following internal memo has been declassified as per the Freedom of Information Act and is now available to the public: “Agents, please disregard my previous memo regarding “The Only Good Russian”; at the time I had been mislead regarding … Continue reading

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Bioware Staff Disappointed by Ending of Mass Effect 3 User Review

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Many members of Bioware’s development team have responded negatively to a user review of their most recent game Mass Effect 3, expressing tremendous disappointment in how the review ends.    The review, written by Amazon customer Cane Thomas begins with intriguing, … Continue reading

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Children Of Liberty – Intel Dossier

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Now this is how red-blooded Americans make games, citizens!  America’s greatest enemy is not robots, zombies, Russians or terrorists.  America’s greatest enemy has and always has been the Redcoats.  The entire Second Amendment was written to keep the British from … Continue reading

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