“Agents, I’d like to thank you all for the overtime you’ve put in during the last 48 hours. Without your efforts, I’m certain that the casualties would have been much worse. Despite the tragic loss of life in the “Walmart incident” death tolls this Black Friday have been well below our estimations.
Even with the Walmart tear gas attacks, the Gamestop stampede, and the Best Buy chainsaw assault, this Department has once again saved gaming consumers from unacceptable loss of life in pursuit of discount video games and consoles.
I’ll be recommending Agent Alvarez and the rest of Omega Strike Team for commendations, and our “Cleaner” squad will be receiving the Bronze Joystick once they’ve returned from Albuquerque. By now, all trace of the [REDACTED] have been removed and local media is covering it as a propane explosion.
That said, there is always room for improvement. Let’s be honest, agents, we got lucky this year. The two new game consoles launched weeks ago, and no retailer was foolish enough to offer them at 75% off.
I can almost guarantee that there will be more lives lost next Black Friday when the ned edition of the Xbox One makes it’s debut. Let’s just hope the reviews for Halo 5 aren’t too good”