Gamers Take Moment of Silence. Griefers Take Opportunity to Massacre and Teabag.

In the wake of the tragic events in Newtown last week, some politicians have laid the blame on video game violence, and several video game websites have called for a virtual ceasefire in online gaming to demonstrate that gamers do care about their fellow man.  Throughout the online world today, thousands of players set down their controllers for a moment to help make the world a more peaceful place.  They were all promptly slaughtered by opportunistic, teamkilling bastards.

With the most compassionate players logged out of their online shooters, the gaming world is now overrun with the callous and cruel.

Thirteen year old Kevin Jenkins of Lynnfield Massachusetts recounted his experience during the virtual ceasefire, “I was playing Halo 4 and I just thought about how glad I am that it wasn’t me or my friends in that school that day.  So I told my teammates to cover me for a minute because I wanted to take the moment of silence.  About three seconds after I set down my controller one of the guys on my team runs up and sticks a plasma grenade right on the visor of my helmet.”

Added Jenkins “Teamkilling jackass!”

Although school-age children have been particularly affected by the tragedy, many adult gamers also felt the need to take a break from their violent online lives. “I had just respawned in a Call of Duty deathmatch when I realized that my character was carrying an M-16, similar to the one used in the shooting”, recounts Gordon Newell of Zanesville Ohio.

“I put down my controller and went to the bedroom to say a silent Thank You for my life.  Then I heard all this shooting, and it went on for like thirty seconds straight.  When I came back into the living room, my character was in a pool of blood and some guy was jumping up and down on my corpse, reloading an M-60.”

Added Newell “Spawncamping fucktard!”

Even in brutally competitive open world games like the popular zombie shooter Day Z, players still felt compelled to put their games aside and honor the dead.  And immediately regretted their momentary display of basic human decency.

Patrick Miles of East Shaftoe Arkansas said “I had spent twenty minutes hiding from this pack of zombies in Day Z and I realized that, in the real world, it isn’t monsters that we have to fear. It’s each other.  I had this epiphany that I play horror games to escape the horrors of the real world.  And that’s when I remembered there’s a gaming ceasefire.”

“I let go of my mouse and closed my eyes for a second to think about that.  Just one second.  Then I hear BOOM BOOM!  And when I opened my eyes, this other player was running away holding a pistol.  He’d shot me in the leg and took off.  That pack of zombies I’d been hiding from swarmed me and I could see that other player crouching across the street, waiting to loot my body after I was dead.”

Added Miles “I will find that asshole and when I do, I’ll empty a whole clip into his face!  I mean… in the game… not… you know.”

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About Special Agent Battersby

Special Agent Battersby is a decorated veteran of the DoEE, having served the country with distinction during the Covenant invasion, the Raccoon City outbreak, and the Rikti assault on Paragon City.
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