The following Department Briefing has been declassified as per the Freedom of Information Act:
“Agents, as you are undoubtedly aware by now, the Department of Homeland Security hired the data-mining company Obscure Technologies to design and implement measures for tracking activity on home video game consoles. Unfortunately the boys at DHS are over their heads, and they hired the worst possible choice for the job. According to our infiltration team, Obscure Technologies has been indoctrinated by the Reapers.
I warned the Joint Chiefs of Staff that the Department of Electronic Entertainment should have been in charge of this operation, and this proves me right. But there’s no time for “I told you so”.
The DHS project is for “Exploratory research and development,” according to Obscure Technologies president Greg May who went on to say “It will be interesting to see, because it’s new to us as well. A lot of this stuff hasn’t been done. We’re not sure how complicated it is.”
Not sure how complicated, indeed. This mixture of curiosity and over-confidence is a classic symptom of the brainwashing effects of alien technology created by the sentient alien robots we know as The Reapers. Obscure Technologies is like a tribe of monkeys pounding on microchips with sharp rocks. They don’t know what they’re dealing with and it’s up to us at the DoEE to put an end to this.
The DoEE has already sent Agent [REDACTED] ahead to recon the Obscure Technologies labs, and I’ve requested NATO clearance to deploy an electromagnetic pulse over the Obscure Technologies offices in San Francisco. Make sure you’ve backed up your hard drives before 19:15 this evening, if you live within one mile of Obscure Technologies.
All DoEE agents will be notified in the event that further force is authorized. If you need to see the full DHS proposal for this fiasco, it’s available on the Federal Business Opportunities website. Dismissed, agents.”