Third Party Developers Discover The Wii-U

Wii_U Third Party GamesDespite an aggressive effort to prevent video game developers from creating games for their new Wii-U console, Nintendo has confirmed that third party video game developers have learned of the Wii-U’s existence and are now working to bring products to the system, against Nintendo’s wishes.

A Nintendo spokesman told the Department of Electronic Entertainment “Every time we put out a new console we try to only release our own games for it, but these pesky third party developers like Capcom and Electronic Arts just won’t leave us alone.  Long-time Nintendo fans don’t need to play Resident Evil and Mass Effect, they’re happy with Mario, Metroid and Pokemon.  Still, the moment our back is turned, suddenly companies like Activision and Sega  have made games for our consoles that don’t involve plumbers racing go-karts.”

The Wii-U launched in November 2012 with nearly three games available, plus backwards compatibility with the original Wii’s library of 17 titles.  However, as of this writing nearly six games that don’t feature Nintendo franchises have either hit store shelves or are currently in development.

A spokesman for game publisher Square Enix said “We completely missed the launch of the Wii-U.  Nintendo develops and builds all of their consoles in a secret underwater factory somewhere off the coat of Okinawa, so we don’t hear about them until they hit store shelves.  As soon as we discover the new hardware we get right to work making games for it, but Nintendo definitely doesn’t make it easy for us.”

The Wii-U was released last year under cover of darkness on a moonless night.  Black-clad Nintendo merchandisers sneaked into major retailers and stocked store shelves with plain brown boxes marked with an ultraviolet ink that can only be detected by Nintendo fans who had received special UV scanners sold through direct mailing.

Nintendo posted an encrypted message on their website the following day declaring it their most successful stealth launch ever.

Despite these precautions, third party game developers eventually caught wind of the secret new gaming device and set about creating games for it.  A representative from developer Konami told the DoEE:

“What? Didn’t they just release a Wii like last year or something?  Ah well, whatever it is, we’ll put out some quickie games for it.  Maybe we can do Silent Hill Krazy Kart Racing or something like Smash Brothers but with the Mortal Kombat guys in it.”

Wii_U Third Party Games 2Nintendo’s VP of Game Deterrence, Reggie Fils-Aime held a press conference to address the matter, saying “Wii-U owners can rest assured that they have years of enjoyment with our new platform and their old friends Mario and Pickachu.”

Fils-Aime continued “With the Gamecube we managed to prevent the major game companies from creating anything for our platform.  Unfortunately we can never achieve 100% security. We let our guard down for a moment in 2002 and suddenly Silicon Knights made Eternal Darkness.  That was the best game for the system, and I would like to apologize to our customers for letting that game come out. I wish to assure any potential Wii-U customers that won’t happen again.”

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About Special Agent Battersby

Special Agent Battersby is a decorated veteran of the DoEE, having served the country with distinction during the Covenant invasion, the Raccoon City outbreak, and the Rikti assault on Paragon City.
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