“Agents, the release of the Mass Effect 3 Extended Cut this week prompted me to visit both the White House and The Pentagon. I assured the Joint Chiefs of Staff that the villains from Mass Effect, The Reapers, are an entirely fictional race and that there is no specific security risk at the moment from malevolent extraterrestrial robots. However, the President has confirmed: In the event that Earth is invaded by Reapers or Reaper-like beings, the Department of Electronic Entertainment will lead the counter attack, ahead of all other branches of America’s military and law enforcement agencies.
With all due respect to our colleagues in the NSA, the CIA and the BoLA, none of them are as prepared to handle a Reaper invasion as we are. Our countless hours of hard work playing the previous two Mass Effect games have left us with a firm understanding of what humanity might be up against, and how best to coordinate a small team of diverse specialists who just might have what it takes to survive what would be a suicide mission for anyone else.
Our Omega Strike Team has proven itself more than capable of clearing out a [REDACTED] and the experimental Kinetic Transduction Cannon has shown remarkable progress since the Albuquerque incident.
Gentlemen, we must prove ourselves worthy of this honor. As of this moment, you will all be sequestered in VR bunker 17 where you will do nothing but play Mass Effect 3 until this department has devised a flawless plan to repel the Reapers, or any Reaper-like entities.
You agents will scour every mission in Mass Effect 3, go on every side quest, and play as every class, gender, and alignment. No one gets to see their families until each of you has completed Paragon and Renegade run-throughs on the highest difficulty level.
I want to know if Garrus can finally consummate his relationship with Femshep. I want to know what Quarians are hiding under those helmets. And no one goes home until the identity of the Illusive Man has been determined.
Our cyber warfare operatives have secured us access to the PC edition of the game, and our infiltration teams are in place to acquire the console disks at midnight launch events in New York, London, Istanbul and Pyongyang. I won’t go into the recovery expedition we sent to the Redwood forest outside San Francisco… We lost some good men in those trees.
Meeting adjourned, agents, we have a long week ahead of us. I expect an online clan established the minute the multi-player servers go live people. I want those playable Drell unlocked in multiplayer by 06:00 hours. Dismissed!”