Earlier this week, the Centers for Disease Control officially denied rumors that the recent rise in cannibalistic assaults in America is due to a zombie virus. In an e-mail to the Huffington Post, agency spokesman David Daigle wrote “CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms).” Unfortunately the Department of Electronic Entertainment cannot confirm or deny the existence of a zombie virus at this time.
This Department is authorized to deny the existence of parasitic insects that create zombie-like symptoms, and we can deny the use of Voodoo zombie powder in the Florida “Face Eater” case, but we cannot comment on any zombie virus, or viruses that may or may not have been responsible for that incident, or the Hackensack “Intestine Throwing” incident, the Maryland “College Cannibal” event, or the mass [REDACTED] occurrences in [REDACTED].
Regardless of zombie virus pandemics, the CDC and DoEE both recommend that all citizens prepare emergency kits in case of any disaster. The CDC recommends that all citizens maintain a three day supply of food and water, plus flashlights, and a battery-powered radio.
The DoEE recommends that citizens augment their kits with one-thousand rounds of shotgun ammunition and a large axe. Citizens should also consult local laws regarding carrying chainsaws on their person when traveling after dark. More on the Centers for Disease Control and zombie preparedness can be found at emergency.cdc.gov.